Phoebe Trapped in MASH
by Doug2
Summary: Phoebe visits the Four Oh Double Natural. Please review.


CHARMED

Phoebe felt very tired. She was sitting in a hard wooden chair peeling a potato wearing khakis and army boots. Nothing seemed right at the moment.

"Lieutenant!" called out a very authoritarian female voice.

Phoebe looked up into the face of very unhappy woman with long blond hair, glaring blue eyes and a large mouth turned down at the corners.

"Lieutenant. I DO hope you have learned your LESSON! Getting involved with that lecherous Captain Pierce will not help your career. I do not want to catch you using the supply tent as your own personal hotel room again. Do you understand, Halliwell?"

she asked.

Phoebe gasped out loud "Hot Lips?"

"Well, I never. My nurses addressed me as Major Houlihan. No one can call me that

name! You were in enough trouble. Now you are ON REPORT! This is going in your permanent file, Lieutenant Halliwell. Now get into the OR and scrub up!" she said furiously pointing out the door.

Phoebe dropped her potato peeler and ran out into the compound. She felt in a daze surrounded by army tents and men and women all dressed in khakis.

"Ah, this looks like the 4077th MASH, but it's just a television show! Things look awfully real. Ah, Prue, Piper, can you her me?" Phoebe called out looking up at the sky and sounding very worried. Just then, someone ran into her as letters flew everywhere fluttering down around her.

"Excuse me, lieutenant!" said a young corporal slightly taller than Phoebe.

"Radar? Let me help you!" she said smiling affectionately at him.

"Oh, thank you, lieutenant. I was just looking at my copy of Rabbit Breeders Monthly. Did you know that Argyle rabbits' fur grows faster than any other kind? DO you think I can grow my mom enough fur for a sweater?" Radar asked picking up the letters while holding tightly to his precious magazine.

"Radar, you can do anything you put your mind to. God, you're cute!" said Phoebe.

She had always had a crush on him.

"Ah, yea. Oh Jeez. Thanks, lieutenant. I'll see you later!" Radar said blushing.

Phoebes just could not get over seeing him in person. And speaking of being somewhere in person, what was she doing in Korea in 1950 something talking to some fictional characters? She hopped over the hospital and started to scrub up. Phoebe felt someone putting arms around her.

"Care for another trip around the world in the supply tent? This time you can fill the specimen bottles when we reach Angel Falls!" said a familiar voice.

Phoebe turned around and looked onto the big eyes of a very tall Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

"I'll meet you anywhere!" said Phoebe grabbing him and kissing him very passionately.

"Wow, lieutenant save something for the plane ride. I think maybe you've had enough for a while," said Hawkeye backing off a bit.

"Oh, Hawkeye. I'm sorry if I scared you. You're just too much for a girl to handle sometimes. I'll slow down if you your like," said Phoebe now just gently holding him.

"Well, then. Maybe after we take care of this kid's liver we can checkout each other," said Hawkeye kissing her again.

"Lieutenant! That is enough! Out! Out! I KNEW there would be trouble. You are now restricted to your quarters. Evidently you learned nothing. Baker can do your shift. Now OUT!" said Major Houlihan's eyes flashing.

"Oh, come on Margaret, lay off Halliwell. She can't help if she sees something good," said Hawkeye with a twinkle in his eye.

"Sorry, Hawkeye!" said Phoebes sweetly waving to him. "Yes, MAJOR!"

"Lieutenant. When you leave a room you salute a superior officer!" Major Houlihan reminded her nurse.

Phoebe clinked her heels, saluted and left. Army protocol was going to be hard to get used to.

After locating the nurses' tent, she found Lieutenant Kelly also coming off her shift.

"Phoebe, you are going to get busted if you keep locking horns with Houlihan," she said as both of them climbed into their bunks.

"Guess I really have to watch myself while I'm here," said Phoebes absentmindedly.

"Planning on leaving? Don't you still have a couple of years till your hitch is up?" asked Kelly

"Maybe," she replied, "But let's hope I can figure my way out her sooner," she thought. as she turned over and went to sleep.

"Lieutenant Halliwell. The colonel wants to see you right way!" a voice said though her dreams.

Sitting up Phoebe saw a very hairy woman with a large nose standing in he door of the tent wearing an old flower-print dress.

"Ah, thanks Klinger. You look very nice," said Phoebes holding her laughter.

"Thank you. It's from the Doris Day collection. Do you think it's too early for white low-heeled pumps? I don't want to look out of place," he said honestly.

"Corporal, you'll look good in anything you wear," replied Phoebe.

"Gee, thanks! If you ever want to borrow something special, just ask!" said Klinger breaking into a big smile.

Phoebe headed over to the camp office feeling like she was walking in to the principal's office.

"Sit down, Lieutenant! Look we're both new here. Major Houlihan reports that you were carousing in the supply tent with one of my doctors. I can't dictate what you do on your free time, but Major Houllihan is concerned about the morale and efficiency of this outfit. Since you are on her nursing staff, I have to support her on this. Let's try and keep this unit one big happy family. There's lot of important work going on here and we need to do our best for these fighting boys. Okie-dokie?" Colonel Potter asked in a fatherly fashion.

"Yes Colonel. I will try and watch it," said Phoebes sheepishly.

"And another thing. Please use the proper name and rank for your superior official. She has earned it and deserves her respect. Understood?" asked the Colonel more sternly.

"Understood!" said Phoebes.

"Thank-you, lieutenant," said Colonel Potter.

Phoebes had a pain in her head and winced in front of the Colonel.

"Lieutenant? Do you feel well?" asked a concerned Colonel Potter.

"Choppers coming!" said Phoebes and Radar as he poked his head in the office door.

"Not you too! Dangest thing!" said the Colonel. "Knew a farmer named Windham back in Missouri. When his big toe hurt you knew you were getting raining the next day. One day I see him with his whole foot up complaining that he couldn't walk on it. The next day half the town of West Fenwick was wiped out by a tornado!" said Colonel Potter as everyone headed to the helicopter pads.

Confusion abounded as two army helicopters landed with wounded soldiers. The pads were a mass of activity as doctors, nurses and corpsmen helped the wounded off the helicopters and into the OR. Phoebe found it strange, but every medical order she was given, she immediately knew what to do. With only half a dozen patients, the MASH staff was only in surgery a few hours.

Phoebe could barely walk coming out of the OR. "I could sleep for a week. Standing in one place for four hours! Whoa!"

"Holding your horses?" asked a friendly Captain B.J. Hunnicut.

"No, just trying to stretch from here to my home," replied Phoebe.

"When you reach Mill Valley, let me off," said B.J.

"Wouldn't be far. I'm from San Francisco. We live in the old Fremont section on

Carrolll Avenue," said Phoebe.

"Nice neighborhood! If you'll excuse me, I have a date with my mattress. So long!" said B.J.

"Bye, B.J," waved Phoebe looking up at the tall young surgeon.

Being late, Phoebe just crawled into her own bunk and slept dreaming of home.

"Hey, Phoebe, wake up! You're due in the hospital in ten minutes. Hurry!" cried Kelly shaking her awake.

Phoebe woke up still tired and longing to be home. "Everyone here must feel the same way. Lost and far from home," Phoebe thought to herself.

Briefly she pulled herself together and trotted over to the hospital. She found Major Houlihan looking over one of the patient's charts.

"Halliwell. This man needs his bandaged changed and start a new IV for the head wound over there around 4 A.M. Good night, lieutenant," said Major Houlihan. She put back the chart and headed to her own tent.

Major Frank Burns walked through the ward. "Ah, Lieutenant, I'm..um.. going to check out the supply closet. I'll be back later. Carry on," he said heading swiftly out the door chuckling to himself.

"And I know who you're carrying on with!" said Phoebe as she went to get some fresh bandages.

Phoebe found it very peaceful in the early morning hours as the sun crept up over the hills of Korea. Hawkeye came in dressed in his red robe, unshaven and yawning loudly.

"I don't mind getting up with the sun, but why can't the Army schedule it later in the day. Say about two o'clock in the afternoon. How's my patient?" asked Hawkeye.

"Everyone is sleeping soundly. It's like a morgue in hear," said Phoebe crossing her arms and looking up at Hawkeye.

"Ah, ha. Cute. I'll have to remember that one!" replied the surgeon.

"Morgue? In my line of work that's usually what we're thinking about. It's nice to be on the other side helping these people recovery for once. I'm usually the one in the hospital," Phoebes thought to herself.

"At least these guys won't be heading there, thanks to you," said Phoebes smiling to Hawkeye.

"We try. Ah, about last night. I didn't make it after that long.." apologized Hawkeye.

"Hey, I was dead to the world, too. With the Major on my back, maybe we should slow down for a while. OK, Hawkeye?" asked Phoebe.

"Yes, I agree. But if Radar can get us a couple of 24 hour passes into Seoul. Maybe!" said Hawkeye with a gleam in his eye.

"Sounds great!" said Phoebe hoping not to be there that long. But, oh, what a date that would be!

Phoebe was broken away from her daydream when they heard a patient from the far end of the ward gasping for air. Phoebe and Hawkeye ran over.

"He bit off a piece of his oxygen mask. He's chocking. Nurse, get me a scalpel; I have to open his trachea and get him some air! Hurray!" screamed Hawkeye.

The patient looked terrified as he continued chocking and was turning blue.

"I can help him. Stand him up!" said the diminutive Phoebe.

"What are you doing?" asked Hawkeye as he was assisting her.

Phoebe made a fist, applied pressure under his ribcage and pushed in several times. The patient gasped each time Phoebe squeezed and then he spit out the piece of mask. Returning him to her bed, Hawkeye checked his breathing and pulse.

"That was incredible! His vital signs are back to normal. Thank you, Halliwell.  
What did you just do?" asked very perplexed doctor,

"Heimlich maneuver. It's really for people choking on food. My sister taught me," said Phoebes covering up "her" patient.

"Well, thank God for your sister. Another nurse?" asked Hawkeye.

"Nope, chef," replied Phoebe.

The morning calm was broken when Colonel Potter, Major Houlihan and Major Burns, came rushing into the ward.

"What is in the blue blazes is going on in here? These patients need their rest and I can here the noise halfway across the compound!" cried Colonel Potter still in his sleeping attire.

"Pierce and Halliwell, I might have known. Get out, Halliwell. You are on double shifts until further notice!" cried Houlihan.

"Hold it, Margaret. Your nurse just saved this patient from choking to death. She performed brilliantly," said Hawkeye glaring at her.

Phoebe just stood there and glowed.

"If I had opened up his trachea like I planned, he would have been here recovering for four or five extra days. Now he's sleeping peacefully. You should be thanking her, Margaret!" said Hawkeye

Potter leaned over and examined the soldier. "He's doing find. Good work Halliwell. I want a full report on what you did. Maybe you can demonstrate your technique to the whole hospital staff. BURNS, you were on duty and this was your patient. Where in the name of General Grant's horse were you?" Colonel Potter said furiously.

"Well, ah, I had to check on supplies and.." stammered the weak chinned Major Burns.

"The Majors were probably checking out each others privates. Which is infinitely better than Frank sitting around here with own little malpractice," said Hawkeye.

"That is an abomination, I never! Colonel I protest. Captain Pierce is tying to make a monkey out of me," screamed Frank.

"Better that than a surgeon," said Hawkeye.

Phoebe was laughing at the sight of this argument in person.

"Colonel, I protest the insinuation that Captain Pierce is making. I…" screamed Major Houlihan.

"ENOUGH! I will not have my doctors and nurses bickering like this. This boy is fine; we're all tired after a long operating session. Stop it now can it before you're all on report. (Silence) Good! BURNS in my OFFICE! NOW!" said Colonel Potter.

All three headed for his office as Hawkeye slowly followed them. "Excuse me, lieutenant. I'm going to head for a little shuteye too. Wake me in 1963. And thanks for that fancy hug. You're a treasure. Bye!" sad Hawkeye.

Phoebe just smiled and watched the sun slowly climb higher in the sky.

Two days later Phoebe found herself looking in the mirror as she adjusted her Army nurse's uniform.

"Boy, are you lucky. A whole weekend in Seoul with Hawkeye. You are so lucky. He is so dreamy. He has the looks of Alan Ladd and the sense of humor of Bob Hope!" gushed Lieutenant Baker.

"Yea, this is definitely a schoolgirl dream. I just wander how far it can go in this "G" rated television world?" Phoebe said partly to herself.

"What? Oh and don't let him take you to Mr. Kim's Bath and Tea Room. You know everyone baths together in that place! I mean without any clothes on!" said Baker.

"Got it. Well, here it goes," said Phoebes as Hawkeye pulled up in the jeep and beeped.

"Next stop Seoul, Lieutenant!" said Hawkeye now shaved and dressed in his full uniform.

Phoebe threw her gear in the backseat and climbed in as they headed out of camp under the sign that proclaimed "MASH 4077th. Best care anywhere."

"Your little Helmsly maneuver really got Potter's attention. Radar didn't even need to seek our passes into his other paperwork. It must be his little thank you. And 48 hours! This is GREAT! I could really use a break and there is no one I'd rather spent it than with you, Phoebe. You just don't look and act like any of the other nurses who come through here," said Hawkeye.

"Believe me. I am not like any of those other nurses," said Pheebs.

"Yea, what is that little fainting bit you do occasionally?" asked Hawkeye.

"And then you have some of the craziest notions."

"Well, sometimes I can see the future. Not all the time, just when trouble comes around," sighed Phoebe wishing it were her sisters she was helping.

"Care to try out the We Jom Bu Bar and Casino sometime? They have the most marvelous martinis. The motor pool also uses it to strip rust off the undercarriages of the jeeps," quipped Hawkeye.

"You are a regular Jim Carrey! But no, I can't use it for personal gain. If I could, I'd be home in the best house in San Francisco right now," lamented Phoebe.

"Don't leave your profession, Phoebe. You are the most caring and sensitive nurse I've seen in a long time. We don't get much of that two miles from the front," said Hawkeye honestly.

"Ya, I guess that might be a good calling. If I ever get back and get through college!" said Phoebes as she found herself in anther premonition.

"Uh, Phoebe. Are you OK?" said Hawkeye as he stopped the jeep.

"Keep going, Hawkeye. You see that turn up ahead? There's a jeep overturned down the hill! People are hurt in it," said Phoebe pointing to the next bend.

"Lieutenant, I don't see anything," said Hawkeye.

"Stop here!" Phoebes told the doctor. She hurried down the hill and among some trees hidden from view was a jeep with two wounded men in it.

"My God, Phoebe. No one would ever have seen this accident. GO get my medical bag!" cried Hawkeye as he rolled up his sleeves.

Hours later at a Chinese restaurant surrounded by candlelight and music Hawkeye and Phoebe raised their glasses.

"To the most enchanting, special and beautiful woman I have ever met. Lieutenant Phoebe Halliwell," said Hawkeye.

"And to the most handsome, talented and personable doctor I ever met, Hawkeye Pierce!" replied Phoebe.

They sipped their champagne and looked into each other's eyes.

"I sure hope those guys we found will be OK. They had been down in that gully all night!" said Phoebes.

"There you go again, always thinking about others. I really think that's great, but how about thinking about us. Remember, handsome surgeon, beautiful nurse, lonely soldiers at war! Don't break my heart, you're a nurse. That's against the Hippocratic oath," said Hawkeye.

"Love to," said Phoebe as she gave him another passionate kiss.

"Hiya, Phoebe!" said a familiar chipper voice.

Phoebe lost in her hazy love fest barely saw the two nurses looking down at her.

"Ah, hi? PIPER!" screamed Phoebe. "Oh my god, it's Piper!" Phoebe screamed grabbing her sister and jumping up and down. "PRUE!" she seamed repeating her joyous embrace.

"Hi, Phoebes," said Prue with a little more control.

"Oh, ah, Hawkeye, these are my sisters Prue and Piper! Guys, THIS IS Hawkeye Pierce!" said Phoebes proudly.

"Ah, hi. I don't mean to be unhappy for Phoebe, but we had a little tonsillectomy going on here, but if you lovely ladies care to join us. Hum?" Hawkeye said with a twinkled in his eye.

"Nice to finally meet you in person," said Piper.

"Oh, you heard of me. I hope it was all bad. Those with good reputations never have any fun," said Hawkeye.

"Yes, uh, it's a pleasure to meet you," said Prue shaking his hand.

"So you're all three nurses? All stationed in Korea? My compliments to Army recruiting, you three have definitely raised my faith in their standards. Why it's just like Claudette Colbert sent her sisters here just for little old me. Which one of you is the chef?" asked Hawkeye practically giggling.

"Ah, that would be me," said Piper raising her hand.

"Care to cook up something later?" asked Hawkeye slyly.

"Phoebe, we have a something "witch" you'd love to see," said Prue.

"Ah, right. Hawkeye. I won't be long," said Phoebe kissing him.

Hawkeye pulled her in and kissed her again. "Finest kind!" he replied.

Phoebe pulled away slowly looking deep in his eyes. Her heart was breaking a bit, too.

"Nice meeting you Hawkeye. COME ON PHOEBES!" said Prue.

"Bye, Hawkeye," said Piper waving to him.

Hawkeye just sighed as those three beautiful nurses walked away.

"What are you doing falling for a fictional character!" said Piper.

"But he seems so real!" said Phoebe. "And he has the most gorgeous blue eyes!"

"And you want to stay here?" asked Prue glaring.

"Ah, no. You never know when you're stuck, though. I wouldn't have minded a nice little house in Crab Apple Cove, Maine married to a doctor," sighed Phoebe.

"First, Hawkeye will never settle down and second… Why am I even arguing with you. This is not even our world!" said Piper exasperated.

"I know. Now what, sister witches?" asked Phoebes.

Piper pulled out a charm. "This is our ticket home. You don't know how hard it is to find you when your not even in our reality," explained Piper.

"So what happened? I can't even remember leaving Halliwell Manor.

We were fixing Grams old stew recipe and .." said Phoebes throwing up her hands.

"And a warlock attacked. Evidentially he was trying to split us up and he first sent you plummeting back through a tunnel that also crossed through the television. And guess what we were watching?" explained Prue.

"MASH, I would say is the correct answer and I don't even need a lifeline for that question!" said Phoebes.

"And then I froze him and luckily Prue and I were able to send him back where he came from. Enough explanation. All right, the Halliwell express is heading out!" said Piper holding up the medallion.

"I'm going to miss these guys," sighed Phoebes "And I have to think some more about my own future!"

"Oh? About being a witch?" asked an inquisitive Prue.

"No, we'll ALWAYS be witches. I mean about my own future. Maybe I'll be a nurse," said Phoebe

"Phoebe Nightingale? That would be great, Phoebes. You certainly have the right stuff, but first we get home. Ready one, two, three," cried out Piper as they disappeared in a blaze of silver sparks.

Phoebe was heading home at last thanks to the Charmed Ones.

THE END


End file.
